Maybe it's because June is Audiobook Month or maybe it's just human nature and wanting things I can't have, but I've been thinking up audiobooks that don't currently exist. But the thing is, these audiobooks totally should exist because I think they'd be in-freakin'-credible. 

Daniel Day-Lewis reading a biography of Jack Daniel

So I recently went on a double date with my grandparents (aww, how sweet, I know) to the Jack Daniel's distillery in Lynchburg, Tennessee for a tour. The whole time the tour guide was talking about Jack Daniel's life, I kept hearing all Jack's quotes in the voice of Daniel Day-Lewis's character Daniel Plainview in "There Will Be Blood." You might remember the character in this infamous scene...

I mean, Jack Daniel bought his distillery at age 13 and died of gangrene in his foot because he got so pissed off at having forgotten the combination to a safe that he kicked the damn thing and broke his big toe. And, of course, Jack Daniel, like Daniel Plainview in the movie, built a business empire. I sense a kinship between the two that would be perfect for an audiobook. 

Reese Witherspoon reading The Collected Short Stories of Flannery O'Connor

Not gonna lie, when I heard Reese Witherspoon was reading the audiobook of the To Kill a Mockingbird followup novel, Go Set a Watchman, I was THRILLED. As a Southern gal, I can't help but be a fan of her Southern charm--err, when she's not being arrested for tomfoolery, that is. But let's not talk about that right now. 

Okay, so she's a little sassy... But so is Flannery O'Connor! Her stories are full of Southern gothic wit, especially my favorites, "Good Country People" and "A Good Man is Hard to Find." These stories turn the naïveté of Southern hospitality on its head with humor that will make you swell with bitter laughter. They're the kind of stories you need a Southern accent to sweeten. 

Neil Gaiman reading Billy Collins poems

The reader of an audiobook can really make or break the listening experience. I know authors, when possible, like to record the audios for their own books because, of course, it allows them to keep more of the money they generate for their stories. I recently came across the audiobook of Neil Gaiman's first collection of short stories, Smoke and Mirrors, and was pleasantly surprised to find that Neil reads his own work. Not only that, his voice is chocolate to the ears... Truly. Check out this sample clip from Smoke and Mirrors (click the Listen button below the book jacket photo).

That's totally the kind of voice you want whispering poetry in your ear, right? I mean, he could make the back of a shampoo bottle or the nutrition facts on a box of cereal sound like poetry. So whose poetry better for him to read than Billy Collins? My favorite Billy Collins poem is "Litany," but I don't think Billy has the voice to do it justice, so I want Neil to read the poems to me. 

Then again, if Neil doesn't want to read "Litany," this adorable three-year-old is a close second. 

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