How to Guarantee Book Nerds Won't Get Divorced

[image description: a white heterosexual couple looking lovingly at one another through a hole in a bookshelf.]

A while back––in the before times when there were such things as in-person book signings––I was at an event seeing John Kenney, a comedic writer and author of the hilarious volume, Love Poems for Married People.

I’d gone to the event by myself, though when I made it to the front of the line to get my book signed, John asked me if he should inscribe it to me and a partner or just me. Normally, I’d only get the book inscribed to myself because although Mr. Off the Beaten Shelf and I read some of the same books, the overlap in our Venn diagram is pretty small.

Truthfully, no one had ever asked me (or him, I imagine) if we’d like the book signed for both of us, so I’d never given it much thought. If it hadn’t been a Valentine-themed event featuring love poems, it might not have ever come up.

In the spirit of the moment, I said “Sure!” and excitedly showed my partner the book addressed to us both when I got home. Then, because I’m an anxious person, I had the thought What if we get divorced? How will we decide who gets the book?!

Obviously, if our relationship ever gets rocky enough to necessitate a divorce, a volume of poetry will be the least of our concerns. But entertain my anxious mind for a minute: How would we decide?

I bought the book and went to the event where it got signed. Does that mean it’s mine?

But he reads more poetry than I do and reads more of The New Yorker, where the original “Love Poems for Married People” was published, so shouldn’t he have it?

Or what if looking at the book and knowing the inscription was in there depressed us both so much that we donated it and the book became another one of the many on the thrift store shelves that made shoppers think, Why would you get rid of a signed and personally inscribed book?

I started thinking how if all of our signed books (and we’re fortunate to have many) were inscribed to both of us, we’d never be able to break up the library. We’d have to stay together forever! Problem solved!

Of course, I’m having fun here. (For the love of books and cats, please don’t stay in a relationship where you’re unhappy, unloved, and/or mistreated, no matter how many signed books you have!) But this is the kind of thing I sit around thinking about.

For folks with partners: Do you get signed books you both like inscribed to both of you? Tell me in the comments!